Baby Dixon Adoption Story: Part 9

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Our bags have been packed. The nursery is all ready. All Miles’ baby clothes have been washed and put away for his tiny baby brother. A bag is packed for Levi with a few newborn outfits, a swaddle blanket and some diapers. Placed that bag & the infant car seat close to the door so it was ready to roll. We’ve upgraded both our vehicles to fit 2 rear facing baby seats and 2 pre-teens and all the luggage that our crazy life brings. Our plan with Grandma all set for her to watch the kiddos when the time came. We are prepared. Ready on every level to welcome our Levi. Just waiting for the call.

We did get a call, just not the one we anticipated…

“Traci, she’s not responding to our calls and texts. Will you try to reach out to her and see if you can get her to respond?”

I tried, she didn’t. This was over a week ago. The agency has been trying nonstop since then to call, leave notes, stop by her apartment, talk to family, call the hospitals to check there…nothing. She has disconnected herself from us and the agency…totally unexpected and we have no clue why. Birth mom: AWOL.

At this point, it appears as though she has changed her mind? However, the last sonogram did reveal that the due date may be closer to mid-August…so there’s still a small chance we could possibly hear from her when she delivers baby boy. But as of today, it’s not looking very likely that this baby boy was “our Levi” and we may end up walking this beaten road again. The agency is shocked. With tears and a shaken voice, the last call I received from them was “we are so sorry, we just can’t believe it.”

We are heartbroken.

Devastated, angry and so confused, this has been a week of feeling all these emotions again. No way! No way this can be happening again. With no answers as to why or what in the world happened. Lord, have we not been faithful? Where are you in this? From excitement last week to sadness, this. From anticipation to grief. Like a reoccurring nightmare. Here we go again. Twice? Really? Bonding through the tears this week and tenderly loving on our precious family of 5, we all have been counting our blessings through the healing but now reopened wound. Praying through the pain, yet holding on to the truth that God knows. He is here in this with us. There has got to be a purpose to this. Maybe this was actually the reason for the warm hug He gave me last week to remind me that He’s got this & to trust.

We have had precious friends & family love on us over the past few days and we are incredibly grateful for our community that surrounds us. Our CEO’s sweet wife sent me the link to this song this past week and I have listened and re-listened. Thy will be done. It’s not about me. The truth in that perspective is real but not entirely something we easily embrace. We often fight ourselves.

Friends, there really isn’t much else to say, this song truly sums up how I feel and what we hold on to as we seek for direction pushing forward…

“I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord”

By: Hillary Scott