Baby Dixon Adoption Story: Part 9

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Our bags have been packed. The nursery is all ready. All Miles’ baby clothes have been washed and put away for his tiny baby brother. A bag is packed for Levi with a few newborn outfits, a swaddle blanket and some diapers. Placed that bag & the infant car seat close to the door so it was ready to roll. We’ve upgraded both our vehicles to fit 2 rear facing baby seats and 2 pre-teens and all the luggage that our crazy life brings. Our plan with Grandma all set for her to watch the kiddos when the time came. We are prepared. Ready on every level to welcome our Levi. Just waiting for the call.

We did get a call, just not the one we anticipated…

“Traci, she’s not responding to our calls and texts. Will you try to reach out to her and see if you can get her to respond?”

I tried, she didn’t. This was over a week ago. The agency has been trying nonstop since then to call, leave notes, stop by her apartment, talk to family, call the hospitals to check there…nothing. She has disconnected herself from us and the agency…totally unexpected and we have no clue why. Birth mom: AWOL.

At this point, it appears as though she has changed her mind? However, the last sonogram did reveal that the due date may be closer to mid-August…so there’s still a small chance we could possibly hear from her when she delivers baby boy. But as of today, it’s not looking very likely that this baby boy was “our Levi” and we may end up walking this beaten road again. The agency is shocked. With tears and a shaken voice, the last call I received from them was “we are so sorry, we just can’t believe it.”

We are heartbroken.

Devastated, angry and so confused, this has been a week of feeling all these emotions again. No way! No way this can be happening again. With no answers as to why or what in the world happened. Lord, have we not been faithful? Where are you in this? From excitement last week to sadness, this. From anticipation to grief. Like a reoccurring nightmare. Here we go again. Twice? Really? Bonding through the tears this week and tenderly loving on our precious family of 5, we all have been counting our blessings through the healing but now reopened wound. Praying through the pain, yet holding on to the truth that God knows. He is here in this with us. There has got to be a purpose to this. Maybe this was actually the reason for the warm hug He gave me last week to remind me that He’s got this & to trust.

We have had precious friends & family love on us over the past few days and we are incredibly grateful for our community that surrounds us. Our CEO’s sweet wife sent me the link to this song this past week and I have listened and re-listened. Thy will be done. It’s not about me. The truth in that perspective is real but not entirely something we easily embrace. We often fight ourselves.

Friends, there really isn’t much else to say, this song truly sums up how I feel and what we hold on to as we seek for direction pushing forward…

“I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord”

By: Hillary Scott

13 Replies to “Baby Dixon Adoption Story: Part 9”

  1. That song has pulled me from the trenches several times this summer. And I begrudgingly said “thy will be done”…but saying the words over and over again has helped me. I hope you find peace in those words and at the feet of Him who loves you so deeply.

  2. Oh my heart. I talked to your mom some last night. I just couldn’t believe it and my heart just sank. Oh how could you not ask why? Not again? Oh how I wish I knew. Petitioning God on your behalf for peace and comfort and for the strength for you and Ryan to give all to Him and to know that known of this is out of His knowledge. Praying for this birthmother and this baby and that God will meet their needs. Love you guys!

  3. Oh Traci,
    I am so sorry for what you all are going through. I know this has been so hard on you and the rest of the family and we don’t understand why. I know your heart and faith and I pray for God’s blessings on you all. That song is beautiful and there is another song that got me through some really dark times and it is by Amy Grant and it is called Better than a Hallelujah. Love you Traci and will be praying for you all.

  4. Dear Sweet Traci,

    My heart is so heavy for you. I have been praying for Levi’s arrival and this just never crossed my mind. When there was no news last week, I just took it to mean that she was overdue. Please feel my prayers and love for you, Ryan and the little Dixons. God DOES have a plan in all this…HIS will be done. I pray for your Momma heart and I know that God will heal it. I trust that and I believe it with all of my heart.

    I love you. I am here for you. I pray for you. I trust that God has Levi out there. All in HIS timing!!!

  5. My dear sweet friend, I know your pain, it stabs so deeply. I remember falling to the floor when we lost our adoption and screaming at God – “Why?” I remember talking to the baby boy in the sono pictures – telling him how much I already loved him and how much my heart would miss him. That was my goodbye. I remember not understand how God could be “so cruel.” But you’ve already got the answers I had to learn through the pain – he is preparing you for someone/something who specifically needs you. God knows all and God knew that my own precious niece would need us to protect her from meth addicted parents. God knew she would have difficult medical issues and difficult behavior issues and that we would need to be able to focus on her. I still miss that baby boy when I think of him and what our family would of been with him in it, but I know my pain had purpose. No one is ever alone, someone knows the joys and the pains of your heart. I still pray this birth mother finds her way to you. But most of all I pray that you and your family keep this amazing faith and keep looking forward. ❤️

  6. I can’t imagine the pain, prayers / thoughts & Love go out to you.
    God promises he will not break you with out something good coming through it.
    I know that don’t heal the hurt now but it’s something to hold tight to.

    Sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms his child.

  7. Traci, I’m so, so sorry for you and your precious family. I’m just heartsick and queasy and crying over your news. I pray for safety for this baby boy you’ve held in your hearts for so long and I pray for comfort for your anguish and answers for your troubled minds and for healing for your sweet family in the midst of new & old grief mingled. David and I will be praying. Thy will…true in my spirit, but unfathomable in heart just yet.

  8. Traci, I am heartbroken and so sorry that your family is going through this again. I’m praying for you and this birthmother and baby. I’m asking the Lord to provide comfort and understanding for you, Ryan, and your kiddos. As an adopted child, I know how great of a blessing it is for someone want and desire to hold you and help you through life. It is one of the greatest blessings I have ever experienced and I am trusting that Jesus has the perfect adoption plan for the Dixon’s. Much love and prayers headed your way.
    KelseyDiane

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