I woke up this morning with a case of the mommy blues. This is the final day before the big day. Tomorrow is Kindergarten! I know this is not a sad thing, I really do. It’s a great thing in fact. Maybe I’m just being silly. I’m a worry wart by nature, so I have that working against me. Honestly, I was feeling quite sad today. My mommy friends tell me this is normal which makes me feel better and less like a cry baby.
But baby, I got the blues.
This morning during church, our worship leader started the service by praying that we could focus & put aside whatever we brought with us today. I prayed along with him but my mind was consumed. My focus was elsewhere, at least at first. I was standing there during worship feeling very weepy as we sang, “all of my life, in every season – you are still God, I have a reason to sing…” Thoughts of my baby girl starting Kindergarten in the morning flooded my mind. I wondered if we have taught her everything she needs to know for this. I was figuring out what I should send her for lunch and if she would stop talking long enough to have time to actually eat it…or would she starve all day? I was thinking about how hard it was to believe that I was even old enough to have a Kindergartener! (Not to mention the gray hairs that are sneaking up a little too fast for my liking.) I imagined what it will look like as she walks into her classroom in the morning in her cute new outfit & pink princess backpack. Will she cry when I leave? Probably not. Will I be able to stop crying when I leave? I have to, I have a meeting to get to. One chapter of life ends and another one begins. Tears.
Then out of the blue, I started thinking of and missing my Dad terribly. I thought to myself how proud he would be of Addi & how he would have given her a pep talk just like Grandma did yesterday. How he would like her school- the old building with such character, he would think it’s neat. I thought about how this was yet another milestone that he will not be here for. And friends, I felt downright sad. But the song kept on going, “I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and He is here.” Dad would tell me to do the next right thing, I told myself. Chin up, Traci. Keep on keepin’ on. Then, I’m not even kidding, the very next song started….”turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face…” My Dad’s favorite hymn!!! While pastoring, he would have the church sing this song at the end of the service before leaving as a reminder of where our focus should be. This song was even sung at his funeral. More tears.
In that moment, it felt like the song selections were just for me. Maybe Dad put in a special request for me? :) I felt God’s presence so real – He was listening to the cries of my heart. He doesn’t think I’m being silly. He loves me. He knows how much I adore my Addi and how much I daily miss my Dad. When I’m sad or worried, He provides comfort. He held me in His arms this morning and let me cry. He reminded me to focus by turning my eyes toward him and “the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory & grace.”
He saw my heart and gave me that song, I just know it. That’s just what He does.